A View from a Broad Part I | Part II
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In 1987, I resigned from a blockbuster 11-year career at the premier investment banking firm Goldman Sachs. I had gotten married in 1980 to a wonderful guy I worked with. We sat directly across from each other on the trading floor. We had been secretly dating for three years and so our engagement announcement was a tremendous shock to our colleagues in the Fixed Income Division. Unfortunately, we got divorced four years later. We continued to sit across from each other on the sales desk as we truly enjoyed working with each other.
But then an interesting thing happened. My ex-husband immediately started dating lots of nice gals and I had no dates. But having no dates allowed me to work longer hours. A year later, I became the co-manager of the Money Market Sales Group in New York, which was the first time in Goldman’s history that a woman had been promoted to sales management. I was ecstatic. And since I didn’t have a social life, I started working on the weekends as well. My “ex” thought I was crazy to take on more responsibility on top of a full client load, and he thought it was amusing that I was now his boss.
On April 15, the tax date, I left the firm. I was turning 35 that year and the term middle-aged was starting to creep into my thought process. The day I walked out of Goldman Sachs was one of the most painful days of my life. I was leaving the best friends in the world, an ex-husband who I still liked and admired, and a firm and a culture that for the most part, I loved and respected. I left my apartment in New York City and moved to Princeton to live with my sister. I was so depressed that there were days when I couldn’t even get out of bed. It took me almost two months to get on my bike and start the process of putting myself back together physically and mentally. And it took another three months before I started to feel like a human being.
One day during the summer I got a call from Peter Mathias, who was an internal consultant at Goldman Sachs. He wanted to know if I would like to work with him a few days a week on various projects, and I thought, what the heck, I can always quit if it doesn’t work out.
Not long after I returned to GS, I reconnected with Jeff Hanson, a really nice young guy who had tried to interview me a few times as one of the firm’s “culture carriers”. After one date, we decided we were truly meant for each other. Three weeks later, we got engaged. On October 13, 1988, Meredith was born and two years later, on December 12, 1990, Christopher was born. During that time, Jeff left Goldman Sachs to launch a consulting business, which hadn’t exactly been a barn-burning success. By the time Christopher was born, we were in dire financial straights. I think I was about as depressed as I’ve ever been. In October 1990 I wrote the following entries in my diary:
October 9, 1990
Dear Diary,
I'm sitting here paying bills, doing absolutely ZERO that is fulfilling or satisfying and wishing that I could close my eyes and make it all go away. I want to start my own business but the only reason I’m doing it is because I’m embarrassed not to be doing SOMETHING. Then I think maybe I’ll write a book, but after I come up with a title, I can’t think of anything to say. I have NO ONE to talk to. No one who could say, hey, let’s look at your options, let’s figure out where it would be smartest for you to focus.
I’m thinking of starting a coaching business and yet I’M the one who needs coaching! If I could just believe in myself a little bit, if I could just get the right ball in play, if I could just get past my own depression and break free—I know there is a need for this type of service. I just need help putting it together and packaging it. Each day I get more and more despondent over my almost complete lack of faith in my ability. I have absolutely no support system.
On September 20, 1990, I had written a letter to Jon Corzine at Goldman Sachs telling him about the coaching business I hoped to start and why I thought it was so important for the women at Goldman Sachs:.
Dear Jon,
I plan to start my own coaching business in the next few months and intend to target the women at Goldman as potential clients. Women need help in how to handle a dual-career marriage, maternity leave, time management, and getting and staying ahead in an increasingly competitive work environment. In the last three years, I have seen women opt to leave the firm rather than try to articulate their problems to management in a way that makes professional sense. Typically management doesn't even know there is a problem until the woman announces that she is leaving! Regrettably, this is because women find it extremely difficult to connect with their (male) managers. Women ask me for career advice because I was a manager, as they perceive that I have insight into how the firm is run/managed which they lack. In essence, they speak one language, and I speak two. By translating what their (male) managers say I can provide them with greater insight, which helps build their confidence and self-esteem. As a rule, I look for what's positive in a work relationship to counter women's fears that the worst is happening.
If my business gets off the ground, maybe Goldman will want to hire me as a field adviser.
Anyway, Jon, you've been a great friend. Without doubt, you have cared more about the people in the division-past and present-than all the other partners combined.
As always,
Janet
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